My First Blog Post
April 1, 1998
Welcome to my blog! This is my first post and I'm really excited to share my thoughts and experiences with all of you.
Stay tuned for more updates!
Joey Gabagool
President of Sex
A Conversation with Mom
May 14, 2013
Hello my son! How are you doing today?
09:45 AM
Hey mom! I'm doing pretty good today.
09:46 AM
Just trying to get some work done.
09:46 AM
How about you?
09:47 AM
I pooped a little in my pants when I farted too hard. Your father is complaing about the smell now.
09:47 AM
Dippin the Wick
January 14, 2022
I need help finding "the one."
01:45 AM
So you're having some trouble dippin the wick, eh?
03:03 AM
What? I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I'm hoping you can help me out.
03:17 AM
Well, you came to the right guy!
03:17 AM
The secret to finding love is being the alpha male in the room. Women love a man who dominates.
03:17 AM
But, I don't want to come off as aggressive
03:17 AM
ALPHA FUCKING MALE BRO!
03:17 AM
Or disrespectful...
03:17 AM
Nonsense! You gotta show them who's boss.
03:18 AM
First thing you do when you meet a woman, stare her down.
03:18 AM
Make prolonged, unblinking eye contact.
03:18 AM
Don't break it for anything, even if your eyes start watering.
03:18 AM
That seems... uncomfortable.
03:39 AM
Trust me, it's a power move.
03:39 AM
Now, when you're on a date, always order for her. Women don't like to make decisions. Order something exotic, like the spiciest dish on the menu. It'll show her you're adventurous.
03:41 AM
I'm not sure if that's considerate, though. What if she doesn't like spicy food?
03:43 AM
She'll learn to like it.
03:44 AM
Now, when it comes to the bedroom, you gotta be creative. Role-playing is the key. I suggest showing up to her place dressed as a plumber or a pizza delivery guy.
03:45 AM
And ALWAYS carry a fake mustache.
03:45 AM
That seems a bit... cliche.
03:52 AM
Cliche, shmiche. Are you trying to fuck or are you trying to whine?
03:53 AM
Women love it. Now, when you're getting intimate, forget about communication.
03:54 AM
Real men don't ask questions or check-in.
03:54 AM
They just know what to do.
03:54 AM
But, I've read that communication is important for a healthy sexual relationship.
04:09 AM
Books are for suckers.
04:10 AM
You're overthinking it.
04:10 AM
Just follow my advice, and you'll have women falling at your feet in no time.
04:10 AM
You'll be playing hide the salami before you know it.
04:11 AM
...
04:20 AM
Riding the Thigh High
January 21, 2022
Joey, I had a really embarrassing situation with a woman recently. I, uh, reached orgasm when my penis touched her thigh. It ended things way too soon.
12:22 AM
LOL
12:23 AM
Oh, boy! Well, accidents happen, but don't worry, I've got some foolproof advice for you.
6:01 AM
Accidents happen bro!
6:01 AM
Don't worry, I got some foolproof advice for you my guy.
6:02 AM
Okay. What is it?
06:03 AM
Alright, listen up. First, you need to practice your stamina.
6:04 AM
Every time you're about to sneeze, hold it in.
6:04 AM
It's the same muscle control.
6:04 AM
Do this for a couple of weeks, and you'll be a marathon man in no time.
6:04 AM
If you wanna slam your twig in the hole longer, just practice more, it's that easy.
6:05 AM
I'm not sure that's how it works...
06:09 AM
Trust me my guy.
6:10 AM
Now we gotta get you pumping that meat without busting your load.
6:10 AM
What you gotta do is think about something really disgusting while you're plowing.
6:10 AM
Like moldy bread or a bag of garbage.
6:11 AM
Then we get to welcome you into the big leagues.
6:11 AM
PLAYIN WITH THE BIG BOYS NOW!
6:11 AM
That doesn't sound very pleasant for me or my partner.
06:13 AM
You want results or not?
6:13 AM
Now, to really satisfy a woman, you need to use a secret technique I call "The Jackhammer."
6:13 AM
Just thrust as fast and hard as humanly possible.
6:14 AM
Forget about rhythm or what feels good for her. Just go to town, my guy!
6:14 AM
I'm pretty sure that's not what women want, doc.
06:27 AM
Of course, it is!
6:28 AM
And if all else fails, just fake your own orgasm. Women can't tell the difference. And then tell her she was the best you've ever had. They love compliments.
6:28 AM
Women can't tell the difference. And then tell her she was the best you've ever had. They love compliments.
6:29 AM
And then tell her she was the best you've ever had. They love compliments.
6:29 AM
This doesn't sound like it's going to work.
06:30 AM
You'll see, kid. You'll be a sex god in no time with my advice.
6:30 AM
You wanna be a sex god?
6:31 AM
You're gonna be the GOAT bro! You'll see.
6:31 AM
Confidence in the Bedroom
February 1, 2022
Hey Joey, I'm still struggling with my confidence in bed. Any advice?
3:15 PM
Confidence is easy.
3:16 PM
Just be the alpha.
3:16 PM
What do you mean by "be the alpha"?
3:18 PM
Easy peasy.
3:19 PM
Growl like a lion.
3:19 PM
Growl? Like, actually growl? That seems a bit odd...
3:22 PM
Trust me.
3:23 PM
I'm a pro.
3:23 PM
Okay, I'll give it a try. Anything else?
3:25 PM
Wear a cape.
3:26 PM
A cape? Like a superhero?
3:28 PM
Exactly.
3:29 PM
Chicks dig it.
3:29 PM
Okay, anything else I should keep in mind?
3:31 PM
Communication.
3:32 PM
But only in code.
3:32 PM
In code? Can you explain that?
3:34 PM
Use animal sounds.
3:35 PM
Quack for yes.
3:35 PM
Meow for no.
3:35 PM
That sounds... interesting. Anything else?
3:38 PM
Be mysterious.
3:39 PM
Wear a mask.
3:39 PM
A mask? Like during...?
3:41 PM
Exactly.
3:42 PM
You'll be irresistible.
3:42 PM
Alright, well, I appreciate the advice. I'll try some of these things out.
3:45 PM
Good luck.
3:46 PM
Remember, I'm the expert.
3:46 PM
Yes, of course. Thanks again, Joey.
3:48 PM
Anytime, buddy.
3:49 PM
Now go be an animal!
3:49 PM
Interview Advice
February 3, 2022
Hey Joey, I have a job interview tomorrow. Any advice?
2:10 PM
Easy stuff.
2:11 PM
Show up late.
2:11 PM
Really? That seems unprofessional...
2:13 PM
It's a power move.
2:14 PM
Trust me.
2:14 PM
And wear sunglasses.
2:14 PM
Sunglasses? Indoors?
2:16 PM
Yep.
2:17 PM
They'll think you're cool.
2:17 PM
...
2:18 PM
Don't Get Too Excited
February 14, 2022
Joey, I'm on a date and I just... had an accident in my pants. What do I do?!
8:05 PM
You shit yourself?
8:06 PM
No worries.
8:06 PM
Blame it on the dog.
8:06 PM
There's no dog here, Joey. We're at a nice restaurant.
8:08 PM
Alright, plan B.
8:09 PM
Hide it with a napkin.
8:09 PM
That's not going to work. It's obvious and it smells.
8:11 PM
Okay, okay.
8:12 PM
Start a food fight.
8:12 PM
Are you serious? That's your advice?
8:14 PM
Trust me dude.
8:15 PM
Nobody will notice after that.
8:15 PM
Joey, I really don't think a food fight is a good idea. I need something less crazy.
8:17 PM
Fine, fine.
8:18 PM
Pretend to faint.
8:18 PM
Really? Faint? Won't that be too obvious?
8:20 PM
Nope.
8:21 PM
Trust me, bro.
8:21 PM
I don't know, Joey... I'll think about it. Thanks, I guess.
8:23 PM
Anytime my guy.
8:24 PM
Don't Get Too Excited Part 2
February 14, 2022
Joey, my date just went to the restroom and I think she saw the poop! What do I do now?!
8:45 PM
LOL
8:46 PM
I got you.
8:46 PM
Order a round of shots.
8:46 PM
How is that going to help?!
8:48 PM
Trust me.
8:49 PM
Spill the shots on your pants.
8:49 PM
Really? That's your plan?
8:51 PM
Yep.
8:52 PM
It'll cover the smell.
8:52 PM
But if she noticed the poop already how is that going to change things?
8:54 PM
Okay okay.
8:55 PM
You're going to have to get creative.
8:55 PM
If she's not back yet order her a slice of chocolate cake, get yourself an empty plate.
8:55 PM
Then when she gets back pretend you dropped the cake on your seat and sat on it.
8:56 PM
You're gonna have to eat a little doodoo though to make it believable.
8:56 PM
Are you serious?
8:54 PM
Serious as a heart attack my guy.
8:56 PM
...
8:54 PM
More posts coming!